Mal is obsessed with several things when it comes to shopping. Unlike most men he loves shopping whether is for food or clothes.

The first obsession is ‘The LIST !!!!!’. Write one item on it at your peril. We have many years ago been shopping for a tap washer and come back 6 hours later with a camper van, things have not improved much.

Once we are down to the last dozen of anything, it goes on the list. There may be nothing else on that list but Mal will get up one day and announce a need to go shopping. What ever it is, he decides it can’t be got from the local town and almost certainly needs at least a  60km round trip to ascertain the item is bought from the cheapest location. No amount of persuasion will change the routine. The time, distance and cost against the saving of a minuscule amount of money. He has to go to each shop and find out the price then return to the cheapest to buy it. I have long since abandoned the idea of going with him so when I get the dinner invitation somewhere far away, I am suspicious. If I accept it will be accompanied by…. Well if we are nearby we might as well call in at a few other shops, here the list is brought out……. Agreeing will result in returning home many hours later usually well after dark totally exhausted.

Yesterday was typical. At lunchtime once a week one of us drives to the mercado in our local town there we are given a humungous bag of surplus bits of lettuce for our birds. It usually fills a garden waste bag and requires sorting and bagging to last through the week. Often there are other useful bits in the bag, peaches, broccoli, leeks and other useful but slightly damaged items. All need either using quickly or cooking in soups or as a last resort cooked up with the peelings for the birds.

When I go down I am back within the hour and that usually includes a bit of shopping as well.

Mal disappears at noon, with a list, and 5 things on it. 

I get hungry and look at the clock, it’s 3.30pm and no sign of the intrepid shopper. I grab some food and wait. It’s after 4pm and I begin to worry, I don’t phone him as he may be driving. I start plotting how to get a tracker device put on his phone. He could be in a ditch somewhere for all I know. Eventually I hear his car chugging up the mountain. 

I know the longer he’s gone, the longer the tale he will have to tell about the reasons why.

I greet him with, “Doctor Livingstone I presume” my usual sarcasm…….

“Well,” he  says, “You won’t believe what happened,” he brings the car in and proceeds to tell me at great length. 

This brings me to the second thing he is obsessed with. The reams of coupons spewed out of the till at Carrefour on half a tree’s worth of paper offering vast amounts of money off items you had no idea you ever wanted and usually Spanish items you can’t begin to either translate or find on the shelves in the store. They are like a red rag to a bull. He paces round the house asking me what each one is and is met with either, I don’t have the foggiest idea, or, we don’t use that. There follows the usual, but its 10% off……… well its not a saving if you don’t use the item I say.

Undeterred the ritual continues. 

We can get 5 euros off our shopping if we spend 90 euros is a common one. That conjures up a raised eyebrow from me while I point out we only came in for the 5 items on the list. 

Much huffing and puffing about missed opportunities follow.

Yesterday as he departed with his minuscule list he waved a coupon at me for 20% off 2 whole chickens. “we use chicken so I could get them” he said, I sighed and agreed.

Now for the tale of what happened.

He shopped in carrefour and got to the till clutching 2 chickens and the coupon. Everything was scanned through but when he gave the lady the coupon she said she couldn’t take it. She asked to see the chickens and when she looked at them it was the usual breath sucked in through the teeth and then told him they were the wrong chickens. She indicated Mal should take them back and get the right ones and put his shopping to one side while he went. 

The birds were escorted back to the chiller and after much searching he reappeared with two different ones. He waited his turn and eventually the lady told him they were still wrong. He was told the ones he could have the discount off were the all singing all dancing ones that had lived all their lives in la la land eating gourmet corn and were thus yellow in colour and cost 100% more than the usual ones. 

Mal told the girl he wouldn’t bother and to take the other ones off the bill. Not possible, says the girl unless you get me the original chickens to scan through. Mal’s eyes glazed over, how was he going to find the original ones? He had been through several chillers looking for the offer ones and had no chance remembering where the first pair came from and also no intention of trekking through the store any more times. An assistant was dispatched to fetch them and eventually returned, the chickens were removed from the bill and he got the shopping paid for and packed.

When will he ever learn I wonder.

Last night he asked what was for tea, "chicken", I said, ooppps, perhaps not.